In a week where this was a snapshot of my search terms, it was time to get me off my phone and back out to the theatre.
And this was a production I’d been particularly looking forward to.
This is the story of how we met, fell in love, and f*cked it up. But it’s not just our story. It’s his, and his and theirs. Maybe it’s yours… Maybe.
Written by Nathaniel and wonderfully co-performed with Josh-Susan Enright, Toxic is produced by Dibby Theatre and showing at HOME Mcr until 28 October.
I last saw Nathaniel J Hall at Waterside Arts in his play First Time – Review: First Time (Refract Festival 2019)
It was raw, moving, funny and real.
But let’s talk about shame. Shame is excruciating. It’s the stuff that wakes you up at 3am and keeps you awake. A replay of the worst moments of your life which can pop up at the least expected moments.
It’s unwanted, unpleasant, but something we can usually bat away until we stumble into the next dramatic scenario, guaranteed to be relived in the early hours of a random Tuesday.
Now imagine living with that shame day in, day out. Or perhaps you don’t have to imagine.
Toxic is semi-autobiographical and a representation of some of the self-destructive cycles of behaviour and sometimes indeed abusive relationships Nathaniel had found himself in. He wanted to know why, that despite the success of First Time and role in It’s a Sin, this was his reality. After much soul-searching, speaking with friends, and interviewing leading LGBTQ+ researchers, experts and writers, he realised that whilst pride is a public celebration, for many of those LGBTQ+, privately there is still ‘societal prejudice and shame’.
Manchester 2016. In the middle of a hot and sweaty queer warehouse party, two damaged hearts collide. He is white, HIV+ and drowning in shame. They are mixed, queer and one microaggression away from a full-on breakdown. Born at the height of the Aids epidemic and growing up in the shadow of Section 28, the pair form a trauma bond so tight they might just survive it all. But sometimes survival means knowing when to leave.
Toxic is 90 minutes of story-telling, visual movement and dance, music, projected imagery and both scripted and unscripted breaking of the 4th wall. The tears in Nathaniel’s eyes as the show closed to an end were, I’m sure, not in the script.
As we’re introduced to the show, we’re told all that it’s not. It took me longer than it should to realise that perversely it was a list of all that it was.
It was a story of a relationship, HIV, of love, of anger, of jealousy, of sex, drugs and the Macarena, of telephone calls, of threesomes, of U=U, of PrEP/PEP, of writing not paying the bills (ahem), of attractive strangers named Nick 9 inch, of sofas on credit at DFS, of loading up on drinks at a Britney concert and getting into a fight with the girl in front, of homophobia, of passion, of anger.
Of falling off a drainpipe and broken windows.
Toxic is a tale, bravely and generously shared of a life lived and laid bare and a lesson in realising when you need to walk away before it’s too late.
Bitingly funny, beautifully choreographed, unapologetically real and unwilling to spare your blushes (those pants were up and down more often than trams across Deansgate Locks), Toxic is everything that fringe theatre should be, as well as being a full and frank education in what can still, and still shouldn’t be, taboo themes in our society. And it’s a creative joy to boot.
Toxic runs until 28 October at HOME Mcr, before heading out on tour next year. Visit https://homemcr.org/production/toxic/ for details and tickets.
You can also find information on testing and support at the following organisations:
George House Trust – http://www.ghy.org.uk
Our Room (formerly The Men’s Room) – http://www.mroom.co.uk
We Are Survivors – http://www.wearesurvivors.org.uk
LGBT Foundation – http://www.lgbt.foundation
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